I’m not really sure where to begin. I know most of you would probably tell me not to apologize, but I am truly sorry for the lack of updates. I know we have a right to privacy, but I also know there are so many people out there worrying and rooting for us. We have built this community over the years based on honesty and transparency, and I feel like we’ve just ghosted all of you. At the same time, I never want to force “content” and I know I really just needed this time away.
There have been SO many times over the past few months that I started to make even just a small update on social media and got so overwhelmed at the thought that I just retreated back into my isolation. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don’t really understand what is going on anymore. I’ve always been able to use writing as an outlet to express how I’m feeling, but I’m really struggling to find the words these days.
I don’t know what to say when people ask me how I’m doing. On paper, it looks like I should be doing great. We got the best possible outcome from my surgery, and although recovery has been slow, I’m getting better each day. But at the same time, I don’t feel like myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m really struggling to figure it out. I’m still me, but I am forever changed by everything we’ve been through in the past year.
I’ve been very depressed and I’ve been shutting out a lot of the world - not responding to people and avoiding conversations as much as possible. To those of you who continue to reach out and keep me in your thoughts, thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for being there even when I’m not.
I feel like I’m constantly fighting a battle in my own head. I’m trying really hard to win, but sometimes it feels impossible. I feel so worn down both mentally and physically. It has been very difficult to accept that my body just isn’t the same as it used to be, and the unknown of what the future holds terrifies me.
I think going through this diagnosis and treatment is similar to what people go through when they grieve a loved one. At first, you are so busy taking care of all of the details that you can’t really process the emotional side and then when there’s a bit of a “break,” it really hits you. After constant months of doctors appointments, scans, bloodwork, surgeries, chemo, etc. now we are just playing the waiting game. Wait 3 months, get scans, pray everything looks good, wait another 3 months…
Brian, of course, is with me every step of the way, and I feel bad watching him try so desperately to help me. I’m also going through menopause and I can get very moody. God bless the patient, kind man that I married. 🙂
We will get back to regular videos at some point. We filmed this one back on May 2nd, which was the one year anniversary of when this whole nightmare began. The next day after we filmed, I had my 3 month scans, and then Brian and I were able to take some time away to ourselves. Since the video does kind of end on a cliffhanger and I don’t want you all to worry - spoiler alert - the scans went great. We’ll be back with an update on that very soon.
Until then - thank you for all of the continued prayers and good thoughts. You’ll never know how much it truly means to the both of us.
❤️ Jessica & Brian
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We are Brian & Jessica, a married couple who started on a life-changing whole food, plant-based weight loss journey back in June 2018. In June 2022, our lives were flipped upside-down when Jessica was diagnosed with Stage 3 (possibly 4) ovarian cancer. We continue to share our adventures (highs, lows, struggles & everything in between) in following a plant-based diet while keeping you up-to-date on Jessica's cancer treatment.
Follow along with our "Adventure":
WEBSITE – http://krocksinthekitchen.com
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Jessica & Brian Krock
1720 Market St # 771902
Saint Louis, MO 63177
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NOTE: We are not doctors, dietitians or nutrition experts. The information provided is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. Please consult with your doctor before changing your diet. (Read more at http://bit.ly/KrockDisclaimer)